Christmas Without You
December 25th, 2018
Christmas Day
I spent today without you, like every single day for the rest of my life. I tried to keep my mind from you because honestly the past few days have been emotionally brutal for me when it comes to you. In the past couple weeks & including today at least 6 people I know have announced they are pregnant & all due within a month or so of you. I'm so happy for those people, I know some have struggled too with losing babies just like you & I'm glad all these people are getting the joy of a baby. Hearing or seeing announcements reminds me of you, reminds me that I never got to announce you until after I had lost you, I never will get to see you're amazingly handsome little face on or around your due date. Today was emotional. It's hard to be happy all the time, its hard faking that I'm happy all the time. I feel alone in all this. I know I have friends & family to lean on but what I need is someone physically here to let me cry, tell me they are there for me, try to understand what losing you has done to me. Its been 3 months since I lost you & I thought by now it would be easier, that you wouldn't be so heavy on my mind, that the thought of you wouldn't bring rainstorms of tears, that this grief wouldn't be so heavy. I keep feeling like I need a really good breakdown about it, I need that super powerful, tearful conversation, maybe that would help me through this grief. But every time that I feel like I have that, it just doesn't fix anything, it doesn't lessen the pain of losing you.
As hard as today was without you I know next year's Christmas will be worse. Next year's Christmas should've been your First Christmas! Instead this Christmas was your First Christmas in Heaven. That's hard for me to think about. I'm sure you're in Heaven, you're being taken care of, you want for nothing, you have everything you need, you just don't have me. & I don't have you. I read a poem the other day that is from an angel baby's point of view, he is talking to his mom, letting her know that he's watching over her from Heaven. I sit here & imagine what your little perfect face would look like, you'd have pool blue eyes with a full head of dark brown hair, you'd have my nose (just like your sister), & you'd be just the right mix of your father & me. I picture you up there in the clouds, looking down on your sister & me, I hope you know you aren't truly missing out on anything down here because I carry you in my heart with me every where I go. & I'm hoping you're being loved & cared for by family that have gone before you & I hope they are telling you all about me.
I don't know why this has to be so hard. I've lost loved ones before, Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, etc & none of those hurt as badly as this has. I can't decide if it's because I never even got to meet you or because you were literally a part of me, maybe its both. I read that grief is just love with no where to go, I hope that isn't true because then I'm in for a terribly long & hurtful time with grief. My love for you will never stop, will never lessen, will never waver, so I guess my grief will never either. & I don't want to live with this grief forever, I want it over with, I want you back here with me. Why can't you be here with me?? The one question that I will NEVER get the answer to, the one question I will forever be asking. Why?
Christmas Day
I spent today without you, like every single day for the rest of my life. I tried to keep my mind from you because honestly the past few days have been emotionally brutal for me when it comes to you. In the past couple weeks & including today at least 6 people I know have announced they are pregnant & all due within a month or so of you. I'm so happy for those people, I know some have struggled too with losing babies just like you & I'm glad all these people are getting the joy of a baby. Hearing or seeing announcements reminds me of you, reminds me that I never got to announce you until after I had lost you, I never will get to see you're amazingly handsome little face on or around your due date. Today was emotional. It's hard to be happy all the time, its hard faking that I'm happy all the time. I feel alone in all this. I know I have friends & family to lean on but what I need is someone physically here to let me cry, tell me they are there for me, try to understand what losing you has done to me. Its been 3 months since I lost you & I thought by now it would be easier, that you wouldn't be so heavy on my mind, that the thought of you wouldn't bring rainstorms of tears, that this grief wouldn't be so heavy. I keep feeling like I need a really good breakdown about it, I need that super powerful, tearful conversation, maybe that would help me through this grief. But every time that I feel like I have that, it just doesn't fix anything, it doesn't lessen the pain of losing you.
As hard as today was without you I know next year's Christmas will be worse. Next year's Christmas should've been your First Christmas! Instead this Christmas was your First Christmas in Heaven. That's hard for me to think about. I'm sure you're in Heaven, you're being taken care of, you want for nothing, you have everything you need, you just don't have me. & I don't have you. I read a poem the other day that is from an angel baby's point of view, he is talking to his mom, letting her know that he's watching over her from Heaven. I sit here & imagine what your little perfect face would look like, you'd have pool blue eyes with a full head of dark brown hair, you'd have my nose (just like your sister), & you'd be just the right mix of your father & me. I picture you up there in the clouds, looking down on your sister & me, I hope you know you aren't truly missing out on anything down here because I carry you in my heart with me every where I go. & I'm hoping you're being loved & cared for by family that have gone before you & I hope they are telling you all about me.
I don't know why this has to be so hard. I've lost loved ones before, Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, etc & none of those hurt as badly as this has. I can't decide if it's because I never even got to meet you or because you were literally a part of me, maybe its both. I read that grief is just love with no where to go, I hope that isn't true because then I'm in for a terribly long & hurtful time with grief. My love for you will never stop, will never lessen, will never waver, so I guess my grief will never either. & I don't want to live with this grief forever, I want it over with, I want you back here with me. Why can't you be here with me?? The one question that I will NEVER get the answer to, the one question I will forever be asking. Why?
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