As the days go on....

Wyatt James,

 I should be in my last couple weeks being pregnant, impatiently awaiting my little babes arrival. Instead here I am holding an empty womb & trying not to cry. I don't know how many times in the last few weeks that I've felt empty as I look down at my non-growing stomach. I have caught myself just grazing my hand over my stomach & the second I realize it all I can think of is how I should be rubbing my very pregnant belly. I want so badly to be pregnant right now, I want to be carrying & growing my baby boy. I hate that he was taken from me, I hate that I will never get to see him or hold him. This was supposed to get easier as time went on but as my due date draws ever near it's gotten incredibly harder. I want my Wyatt, I want my life with him that I should have. I don't want the reality of him not being here, of having to go on every single day pretending I'm not dying inside. Some days I'm strong but today is not one of those days, today I'm drowning in grief & I'm not going to make it to the surface anytime soon. May 20th. May 20th is my due date, should be my due date I guess. May 20th will come & my baby won't. May 20th. May 20th is the day my heart breaks all over again.